by - November 02, 2012

So, this post is another my thought, or maybe some people think i started to moaning again. Well, the fact is, i have nothing to do today, which i am too bored yet drowning in to my own lame mind. I can't stop thinking about everything lately, like there are such some voices through my mind. Another lame post like my old blog, maybe?

I still heard what everyone told me on that gloomy day in my head. They said, God saved her. Better this way than see her tortured all day. I know, and i agree. I can't resist, God had saved her. That's why i should not sad, i should not cry anymore. I know i should, or she won't go in peace.. but, why i should not cry? Even God saved her, my heart is broken. Never think it would be this bad. I think i have had the worst, but there is nothing like this. Broken. Even i, me myself, tried to fix it, it will always remains.
I can accept if the fact this is the only way to save her. But i can't accept what she got in her life, until the end. She is a good person. Best person. She never did anything bad to other person. She loved her kids. She loved her family. Even everybody said i am not her favorite kid, but the best part is she still loved me, and i never felt that i wasn't the favorite of her. When now i look back, i see. She is my life, even i'm not really there much in her life. But she always be in my life. I remember when i went home too late at night, it's 10.30 pm, and she still afford to pick me. What the-- This is unfair. She struggled, a lot of people did wrong to her, and when she lived successfully, she had the end. I always asking to myself, why. Why it wasn't the bad person who got this. Why it wasn't the other person who was mean to her. She stood alone, she is a survivor. But few months ago, really broke my heart. Then, shit happened.

What the fuck.

They said, i have to be strong, now i am the housewife. I should handle this house as good as my mom. I have to be this, i have to be that, i have to learn to write this, take care of that, what. so. ever. like.. -sorry, seriously. Those are another problem that i can learn and grow up with. Nothing to do with how much i miss my mom, how much i wish now she is here, not to teach me to do that what-so-ever things, but just.. you know, talking, hangout, having lunch together, like we used to be.

Somehow, i know she is here. Whether i should be happy or scared, because i can't even see -so if inappropriate things happen, i don't know whether it is her or not. 40 days, that the belief, right? Am i psycho or something if i hope she can stay a little bit longer here? Or maybe i shouldn't...

I miss her with all my heart, my brain, my breathe, my everything. When she was here, everything felt so right. There will always one empty seat, which is she who should be there..

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2 comment

  1. being sad for this reason is absolutely normal mo! you're strong enough to go through this. :)